President George W. Bush has proposed a $2.8 googolplex spending budget for the fiscal year 2007. It is exponentially the largest budget ever proposed by the United States or any other nation; in fact, it is vastly more than the combined gross national product of every nation in recorded history. The late scientist Carl Sagan explained that if you tried to write out a googolplex, the number of zeros would not fit in the known universe.
The natural question on the minds of every concerned American is, 'What is he going to be spending this obscene amount of money on, anyway?'
The plot thickens as Bush announces his plans to slash the following programs entirely from the federal budget: Medicaid, food stamps, public school funding, public hospitals, children's health care programs, social security, disability pay, trash pick-up, postal service, welfare for low-income individuals, transportation, foster care programs, and 911 services, to name a handful.
So, the more relevant question becomes, which programs hasn't he cut? The list includes: military spending, corporate welfare, subsidies for SUV drivers, evangelical crusade funds, and the presidential yacht.
Once again, the average American scratches her head and wonders, 'Can these measley programs really require this gargantuan sum of money?' A spokesperson for the president attempts to answer this perplexing question.
"Well, you see, we currently have a 200 year plan for our liberation of Iraq, which will require a bit of funding. And then, of course, there are the other up-and-coming terrorist harbors including but not limited to Iran, Syria, North Korea, Tibet, Iceland, Canada, and the Galapagos Islands, which need to be attended to. Not to mention the one-celled life forms on Jupiter's moon Europa, which we believe it prudent to nip in the bud before they get out of hand and wind up harboring Al Quaeda. The war on terrorism is far more wide-reaching than most Americans realize. The president will stop at nothing to insure the safety of his fellow citizens, and if he has to personally travel to other planets to eliminate potential threats, then so be it. He is a man of the people."
Meanwhile, the president has proposed eliminating taxes for people with an annual income of $100,000 or greater. The other 98% of workers will have their income taxes doubled, and will further be taxed for eating, sleeping and breathing. In this way, the president believes he will generate the necessary funds. Needless to say, under this new plan people of color and women will be hit the hardest.
"Call me a skeptic," says Spencer McCoy, head of the American Mathematical Society, "but there is not even the merest fraction of the proposed sum to be found if you add up all the money on this planet. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark, if you want my opinion."
Tiffany Reed of the national organization Jesus was a Republican has a different view on the matter: "We should all breathe a sigh of relief that our blessed president is looking out for us," she gushes. "We can truly sleep easier at night, with our guns under our pillows and George W. Bush in our White House. Amen!"
The president himself cannot be reached at this time. He is on a 3-week vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and has declined all interviews. He was last seen swinging a golf club at Cindy Sheehan's head.