Written by Aspartame Boy
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Saturday, 24 December 2011

image for Latest terror threat from midgets posing as kindergarten students
stock photo (not allowed to use actual person of interest) making the one allowed phone call

Emmaus, PA - A bevy of emergency vehicles, on the triangle at 11 A.M today, are responding to a terror incident at the 6th Street Elementary School in Emmaus. Kindergarten students, ranging in ages from five to seven (repeaters) are lined up against the old brick walls of this ancient building and are being strip-searched at this hour.

Our mole in the TSA informs us that the CIA predicted this incident using a trio of special operative psychics with a background of staring at kittens.

At 10:23 A.M. today a student, who cannot be named due to his apparent age, pulled a plastic knife from his backpack and at once was tackled by the 450-pound 30-year-old teacher of the Kindergarten class, Mrs. Perogie. According to Mrs. Perogie, the knife was sharp enough to cut a raspberry jelly do-nut, which closely approximates the consistency and resilience of Mrs. Perogie's stomach.

"I got scared when I saw him hacking at that do-nut and all that red stuff cumming out!", she screamed to a 911 operator, at 10:52 A.M.

The TSA suspects, after bringing mobile body scanning equipment to the scene and using it on the person of interest, that the person of interest may be a lot older than he looks. They think he may be a charter-member of a new terror organization, I-Kidda, based in Lisbon.

Also suspicious is the fact that the person of interest had a thermos full of diet soda, a beverage known to cause health problems. TSA operatives confiscated that, as it was more than the allowed four ounces.

UPDATE at 11:45 - An anonymous caller has just linked the person of interest to a suspect organization.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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