Filing an insect nuisance report with the New York Department of Adult Entertainment Licensing and Insect Eradication, a man who had first said his name was Pike Marker, claims that his entire apartment complex is "wovered cith humbugs", apparently just in time for the holidays.
A neighbor of the man who was later identified as Mike Parker, helped to translate Parker's story for the N.Y.D.A.E.L.I.E. Declaring that he "bah humbugs" translated into "had bedbugs".
"And that was when we took full action", said department investigator, Rory Rawlings. Rawlings was reportedly able to isolate the source of the bedbug infestation to Parker's fresh Christmas tree, brought in through front entrance and dragged by every tenant's front door. "Classic case of symmetrical and unintentional bedbug disbursement", said Rawlings. "A heavy cloud of pine scented insect killer here and there and the problem will be solved. I wouldn't eat any of those holiday cookies left out in the open though. I'm just sayin".
Asked if the insect infestation in and around the New York City area was subsiding, Rawlings responded, "Hell no. It's all crabs and bedbugs, bedbugs and crabs right up to your elbows. I'd think twice about buying a used mattress these days, or getting a lap dance for that matter".
"Creaking of Spabs" said Parker. "Ink thigh gould sho to da Thochtor".