INDIANOLA, Iowa - Michele Bachmann's Hair Spray Across America Bus Tour pulled into Indianola, Iowa, home of Indianola Indian Corn Tortilla Mix.
She was greeted in the parking lot of the local Captain Cluckity Cluck Cluck Chicken Shack by a crowd estimated to be somewhere between 17 and 20 people.
Bachmann received a thunderous applause and cheers of "MI-CHELE! MI-CHELE! MI-CHELE! ma belle sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble."
She thanked the crowd for graciously taking the time to greet her in Swedish. One of her aides informed her that they had greeted her in French and that roughly translated the words meant, Oh Michele you are such a stunningly attractive woman with both inner and outer beauty but mostly inner, silhouetted against the backdrop of open fertile farm land where all that really grows as far as the eye can see is lots and lots of corn.
Bachmann turned to one of her aides, identified as Winnsboro "Coffee Cake" Difflecutt and told him that the French words sounded very familiar and asked if they were from the Beatles song "Michelle."
Difflecutt thought for a moment and replied that the words were in fact from a Beatles song but the song was not "Michelle" but "A Hard Days Night."
Someone in the crowd yelled out to Bachmann, "Hey girl, we wants for you ta kick da butts of all dem GOP fellers, 'specially dat Pillsbury Doughboy looking Fig Newton Gingrich."
Bachmann grinned and said that she would give it the good old Kansas try. Someone in the back hollered out, "You're in Iowa bitch!"
She turned to her aide and asked what the gentleman in the red lumberjack hat, dingy blue jeans, tree sawing boots, and lumberjack saw had said. He replied that the man from the Bounty towels package said that he had an eye itch.
Someone in the crowd asked what she would do about the tremendous unemployment numbers. She smiled and said that first of all she would see about getting unemployed people back to work by getting them off of the unemployment ranks and putting them in the employment ranks.
The people cheered. "JOBS! JOBS! JOBS!"
She was then asked what she would do about the fact that now that the United States is out of Iraq, the senate wants to appropriate $139 billion to rebuild the country which is pretty well destroyed and kinda looks a lot like the Grand Canyon.
Bachmann shook her head. She said that she is against giving them $139 billion just like that. She then told the crowd that she has an excellent idea on how we can save the American taxpayers $139 billion.
"We're all ears" Someone yelled out (no pun intended).
She said that she would strongly propose to the United States Congress that we make Iraq our 51st state. She said that this way we would not have to send them any money or anything at all except of course for maybe 7 or 8 million dollars in food stamps.
The crowd looked on in stunned disbelief. No one said a word.
"Surely, you're effen kidding" Hollered out a blue-haired lady who appeared to be in her early 90s.
"No, I am not kidding. I am as serious as the hundreds of freckles on Lindsay Lohan's butt."
"Lindsay Lohan's a bitch!" Someone yelled out.
"Okay, but what the hell does that have to do with me wanting to make Iraq our 51st state."
Suddenly the crowd stated chanting "GING-RICH! GING-RICH! GING-RICH!"
Bachmann put down her corn dog and her cup of lemonade and quickly got on her bus and headed out of Indianola at a very high rate of speed.