Written by John Lombard
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Topics: Local

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

image for Henry Upt-Ight to Tell the World, "I'm actually pretty easy going."
Some benches provide seating for up to 3 persons.

Henry Upt-Ight, a local bed and breakfast owner, claims to have been cursed with a name wrongly identifying a personality trait. Upt-Ight wants the world to know how easy going and relaxed of a person he can actually be.

I meet Henry at the Upt-Ight Arms Bed and Breakfast.

Henry is lining silverware on a table measuring the distance from fork to fork with a small ruler.

Henry asks, "Is there not another time we can do this interview? I specifically said mornings are when I prepare the tables!"

Upt-Ight realizes a fork is out of line and quickly gets to work. He then takes a deep breath and sits down.

"I'm sorry, how impolite of me. There has been a lot of pressure lately, a lot of false accusations. They dig deep into my soul. Have a seat please."

After begging me not to touch the silverware, Henry explains the origin of the cursed name.

"I was born Henry Upt and, as my mother would say, there was nowhere to go but Upt. But then I met the beautiful Carol Ight. She demanded we hyphenate the names."

A guest enters the breakfast room and Henry quickly shoos me from the table.

We walk outside to a pond just behind the Bed and Breakfast. Upt-Ight spots a duck in the pond and becomes vividly upset. He yells for the duck to leave the pond.

"This is not a duck pond," he explains.

I ask Henry how he plans to show everyone his name does not dictate his personality.

"Well first I figured I'd talk to a reporter, you, and see where that takes me. Then I'm going to have a huge party at the Bed and Breakfast where everyone can see just how easy going of a person I am! I'll have everything just perfect! Guests will arrive at exactly eight o'clock -those who arrive late will be escorted back to their cars- and dinner will be served promptly at nine. Then, those who followed the instructions on the invitation and brought a small gift will be allowed to participate in the gift exchange game. Those who did not follow directions will be escorted back to their cars. I'll laminate the schedule so nothing can be modified, I'll assign seats at the dinner table, I'll...oh wait."

Henry realizes his dinner party will only concrete this idea of him being an uptight man.

"I have to go. I have to...clean the stoves."

Henry Upt-Ight walks back inside, stopping to yell at the duck once more.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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