New York - Real estate developer Donald Trump has announced that his planned presidential debate has been canceled due to lack of interest and replaced by a holiday special. The program is scheduled to feature all of the remaining Republican candidates for president.
"It's gonna be awesome," Trump said in a recent news conference. "It's gonna be like 'Dancing with the Stars' but without the dancing and without the stars. But we're gonna pack plenty of Christmas magic into this very, very special special."
Called "Christmas with the Candidates," the two-hour program will air on NBC, replacing the traditional Christmas Eve broadcast of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol."
"I say 'bah humbug' to that old ghost story," Trump explained. "It doesn't even take place in America."
As an alternative to Dickens and conventional debating, each of the candidates will appear live from a special holiday location.
Front runner Newt Gingrich will showcase his volunteer work at the McLean, Virginia Animal Shelter, where he operates a post-holiday euthanization line. "We get tons of unwanted puppies and kittens as soon as those trees come down. I know it sounds like a bah humbug job. But it's really a lot of fun."
Mitt Romney is still trying to decide whether he wants to be home with his family in Boston or singing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in Salt Lake City. "I can see the pros and cons of both options," the candidate said. "I'm just wondering what the voters would like their leader to do in this situation."
To emphasize the inclusive nature of Christmas, Michele Bachmann is going to attend a class at a yeshiva in Brooklyn, and try to learn how to pronounce the word "chutzpah" correctly.
Rick Perry will be out somewhere along the Texas/Mexican border with a 12-gauge shotgun and a bucket of shells.
Ron Paul is going to do his segment from the National Institute Of Standards and Technology, where he will figure out the exact point at which he became too smart to be President of the United States.
The remaining candidates will play a round of 'The Apprentice' with Donald Trump. The winner will be crowned as the Republican's vice presidential contender. Check your local listings for times and channels.