Written by Lisa Wright
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Friday, 9 December 2011

image for National Association for Punctuality Moves to Ban Snooze Buttons

Your morning mantra of "just a few more minutes" may be over soon--at least if the National Association for Punctuality (NAP) has anything to say about it.

On Dec. 7, the organization filed a suit that could ban the addition of snooze buttons on all alarm clocks. The ban would go into affect sometime in the new year.

"Alarm clock snooze buttons may seem like a harmless way to get a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning, " said NAP spokesperson Sharon Winston. "But the effects are detrimental. These snooze buttons make millions of Americans late for work and school each morning, slowing our nation's productivity, causing economic catastrophes, and making us lag behind other countries like China."

The snooze button is NAP's newest target in its war against tardiness. Since 1999, NAP has worked to eradicate what it has dubbed "threats to productivity." Past campaigns targeted fake news stories, funny cat videos on YouTube and social networking. In 2002, the organization produced a color coded system to assess these threats.

Just like previous campaigns, NAP's current crusade against the snooze button has struck a chord with a small, but loud, group of supporters.

"I hope NAP wins this case. I would replace my son's alarm clock immediately," said Beverly Hills, Calif. resident and stay at home mom Catherine Donnahue. "My biggest problem in life is trying to get my son up for school in the morning. He's always hitting the snooze button."

But while this newest NAP campaign is picking up steam, there are many who are questioning its relevance-- and its merit.

"This campaign is just ridiculous," wrote liberal writer Larry Reason earlier today on his blog, The Left Side. "This is just another tiresome crusade by a Republican organization to deflect blame for our current economic crisis from the poor decisions made by the former Republican administration, and NAP's involvement in its election."

NAP does not shy away from its current ties to the Republican party or to its past financial support of Republican candidates. The organization contributed generously to former President George W. Bush's 2000 and 2004 campaigns, as well as to the McCain/Palin campaign in 2008.

But NAP asserts that its mission is bipartisan and would improve the lives of all Americans, regardless of political affiliation.

"The tardiness caused by alarm clock snooze buttons across America has slowed productivity by 32%, which has contributed greatly to our unemployment rate," said NAP spokesperson Sharon Winston, who promised to site the source for that figure as soon as she could remember where she heard it. "This ban would help all Americans. President Obama has been in office three whole years and has not managed to fix all of our country's problems. This ban is definitely a good start, and one that he is not willing or able to implement."

But Democrats and others like Larry Reason are skeptical.

"You can't possibly blame the worst economic downturn in recent history on just one element," wrote Reason. "There are many factors that accumulated over time that created the mess we're in, and it will take many years to fix it."

But as NAP raised the threat level to orange, nobody was listening to Reason.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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