Reports coming in appear to suggest that a serious case of toxic seepage threatens to kill off all known marine life in Lake Erie, unless it's brought swiftly under control. The good news is that the USA appears so far to be blameless in this latest pollution scandal, as early indicators suggest that the toxins originated in neighboring Canada.
"These toxins are a serious event," said Professor Vincent Vent, of the Buffalo Billy Goats University Of Machismo at Syracuse. "They're particularly malignant, and it's difficult to conduct a microbiological assessment, because these toxins are just so fucked up that we can't make head nor frickin tail of 'em - but we do know that they're lethal to goldfish, and other marine life, such as dolphins, great white sharks, and humpbacked whales - although as far as I know, we don't have any dolphins, great white sharks or humpbacked whales in Lake Erie. Only goldfish. And a few trout. But we have to address this as a serious threat. We think. At this point in time. Although I'm not quite one hundred percent clear on that at this point. Or anything else, come to think of it."
Helicopter crews flying over Lake Erie have reported signs of a toxic spillage spreading out from the northern shore of the lake and rapidly spreading south across the water.
"It's weird," said chopper pilot, Joe Biloxi. "There's this, like, kinda gunk in the water. Some places it's green, and some parts of it are a creamy yellow, kinda like pus, ya know? The sort of shit you lance out of a boil. It's horrible. My guess is that it's man made. It's like the worst kind of puke you could imagine."
Leading clinical biologist, Dr Burgess Meredith - not the guy who played Batman in the old TV series, and went on to play Rocky Balboa's trainer, Mickey Goldmill in the Rocky movies - could only theorize as to the source of the pollution.
"God dammit!" Dr Meredith said, "It's like some diseased whore spilled her guts into the lake. Not that I give a crap really, because nobody can blame us. But I do worry about all those poor goldfish."
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