WASHINGTON DC - It soon may be a crime to go on a diet of 500 calories, unless you consume at least 6 aspartame flavored beverages - per day. FDA spokesman, Dr. Strangedeath, indicated that too many cases of people losing weight by using the HCG hormone has resulted in a marked depression in the diet beverage business.
"We are here to protect industry, and of course consumers", Dr. Strangedeath told a shell-shocked room filled with reporters.
He stunned the audience when he stated:
"We are taking steps to outlaw HCG, the hormone women produce when pregnant. All pregnant women now must register at their local police station where their weight will be monitored. If is found that they are not gaining weight, they will be force fed aspartame, which will increase their appetites and make them gain weight. If they are selling their blood or urine to obese people, they will be incarcerated.
"Their houses will be modified to destroy the HCG hormone prior to its entry into the sewer systems or ground water. Simple dilution is not good enough, because that only increases the homeopathic strength and effects of the hormone.
"We encourage everyone to consume at least six aspartame containing beverages a day and to stay away from natural human hormones that compete with American corporations in the quest for health treatment and related industries contributing to tax dollars and industry profits."