Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, last night announced that he has had the good fortune to acquire a wide range of discounted hats, which he is able to offer for sale - dirt cheap - to anybody who can be arsed.
Uncharacteristically drunk, and typing with one eye closed so as to be able to focus, Shuttlecock offered his range of hats for sale on a crap website which usually avoids hats at all costs, preferring to promote onanism instead.
In what is thought to be the UK's largest ever uni-sourced hat sale, Shuttlecock promises everything from pork pie hats which were once owned by Robert De Niro, Fedoras, as worn by Humpty Dustcart, and trilbies, as worn by Harold Worth.
"I have much hat of great beauty," Shuttlecock slurred. "I have hat to make Lucille Ball and football fans snap attention at. And women hat. Which are irresistable to opposite sex and mountain yak. I have hat of peak with badge, backward hat and hat of much colours. Big hat, small hat, I have many hats - some with feathers in, and some for students with proximity to bus route and Ali Bullo kebab van hat. All going cheap. Ten pound each. I have hat with peacock feathers, hat with baseball team logo, and fried chicken with weathered hat. Seven pound. Also have sneaker and football boots of all shapes with embroidered laces and inbuilt sat-nav with 3D. Also have hats with germs and crawly stuff - four pound. Nnnngghhh!"
"Ignore the daft bastard," long suffering wife, Anne said. "He's talking in his fucking sleep again. The drunken swine!"
More as we get it.