Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Tuesday, 6 December 2011

image for Astronomers Find Massive Black Holes In White House: Fear Them Coming To Hawaii Soon
Black Hole

WASHINGTON - Black holes: "They're the most destructive monsters in the universe. We already knew they can be powerfully massive. Now scientists say they have found the most massive ones yet; as reported in The Billingsgate Journal of Natural Sciences."

Black hole hunter, Chung-Pei Ma of the University of California, Berkeley, using Hawaii's huge Keck telescope and the Gemini and McDonald observatories, discovered these most massive holes ever found in the universe by focusing on the White House for the past three years. Ma says her bipartisan team "targeted the White House because Tea Party activists suggested that this was where the most massive black holes could be found.

The awesome, overwhelming power behind these black holes has captured the fascination of the astronomy world for generations, including the legendary minds of Stephen Hawkins and Albert Einstein, who both predicted that the White House would be the focus of future research.

Up close, black holes would be invisible to the eye until they rip off internal gases that are blinding to anyone nearby. Then, said black hole specialist Janna Levin, they look like tornadoes. "Black holes can also make sounds in the silence of space when their waves send unsuspecting bystanders reeling into a time-warp vacuum that could cause brain damage if untreated."

Kipper Thornbush, professor emeritus at California Institute of Technology and Dr. Billingsgate, who scored 12 doctorates from LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands, co-authored "Black Holes and All-Time Silent Farts," which made them famous in black hole circles worldwide.

"They're actually working on a Hollywood movie right now with Stephen Spielberg," Ma says. "Billingsgate says that if you were to fall into a black hole, the difference between the gravity near your feet and near your head would be so powerful that if the smell didn't kill you first, you would be torn apart like a turkey tossed into a tree shredder."

Their greatest fear is that the black holes might be coming to Hawaii for the Holidays. This is vexing and underscores the biggest questions black hole hunters might ask: How do black holes grow? Do the most powerful ones gain or lose power when they reach Hawaii? And are these newly discovered black holes at the top of the heap, or are they going down the tube next November?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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