(AP) News item out of Chicago: Three high school students from Chicago's Northwest Side are shot near Schurz High about 7:52 a.m. on January 31, 2006. Police spokesman Fred Fletfoote reported that the shooting took place outside a convenience store across the street from the school. The three victims were all male, two freshmen and a sophomore.
In response to this incident, Ward S. King, an official from the U.S. Department of Defense, has announced that R.O.T.C. students across the U.S. will be organized into squads of anti-violence units. "We have to stop the terrorism threatening our schools and our students at all cost. And since most of these kids are gonna end up in a foreign country fighting and dying for the American way, they may as well start training right here and right now."
The new R.O.T.C. Program, code name ASSASSINS (Armed sniper studs aiding student safety in neighborhood schools), "will incorporate a long-needed military objective into the nations' school system," according to King. "It'll be a win-win-win for everyone involved."
According to the hastily drawn-up plans, squads of R.O.T.C. students will be furnished with the latest military weapons and body armor. "We'll be able to field test this stuff before it's released to the soldiers in combat, saving lives, money, and time. Now, instead of using new recruits in the field to test equipment, we can use these brave lads right here in the good old U.S.A. That way, if any of this equipment is found to be faulty and, for example, a new type of body armor is unable to stop 20 rounds from an Uzi, we can correct it right away. We may lose a few brave students' lives, but there's a price to pay for freedom in this country and the sooner our kids learn this, the better."
Another phase of the ASSASSINS Program will involve testing the latest in medical technology. "With all the school shootings going on all over the country, we've decided to set up military M.A.S.H. Units in a number of high school parking lots," stated King. "That way, if any of our courageous kids are wounded, we'll be able to treat them right away, decreasing the risk of permanent injury or death. Nothing is too good for the kids we sucker in … ahh … I mean recruit into this program. Again, this is a big win-win for everyone: the military will be able to train new medics in the field, and the students will see, first-hand, what this world has in store for them when they reach adulthood."
Inspired by news of the ASSASSINS Program, Congressman Stew P. Iddson, a member of the House Armed Services Appropriations Committee for Committing Excess Support Subsidies For Unspecified, Needless, Dumfounded Schemes (HAS ACCESS to FUNDS), gleefully announced that he was introducing a bill to provide funding for military-type medals to be awarded to the student participants, post-mortem if necessary. The following medals will be included in his bill (H.B. 666):
• Bloody Nose (replacing the Purple Heart)
• Silver-plated Superstar (replacing the Silver Star)
• Congressional Medal of High Regard (replacing the Congressional Medal of Honor)
In his latest State of the Union speech, President Bush offered words of encouragement for the new program: "This new R.OT.C. Program will once and for all show the students of our fine educational system how we really feel about them."