Written by MJ Pulse
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Tuesday, 31 January 2006

image for US Census Bureau: 3 out of 4 American's Make Up 75% of Population

Washington, D.C.- According to the US Census Bureau, 3 out of every 4 Americans now make up 75% of the total US population.

"If you think about it, based on an estimated population of close to 296 million, 75% would be about 222 million people!" reflects Timothy Tuddel, a statistician at the Bureau. "Imagine the implications of this data, considering such a large percentage falling into this category".

According to the latest figures, 3 out of 4 Americans making up 75% of the population is up considerably from 1975, when 2 out of 3 American's made up only 66%. The stark contrast is even more visible when compared to 1933 data, when only 1 out of 5 constituted a mere 20%.

"We're looking at this data and trying to determine what this could mean in both the near term and long term future for the population" Tuddel tells a group of reporters "it's very possible that our population will top 300,000,000 within the next two years. At this rate, it's quite possible that we'll see as many as 240 million people representing 80% of the population. That translates to 4 out of 5!"

Many advocacy groups and lobbyists are alarmed at this new data, concerned that the current trend may soon exceed 100%.

"At the current rate, it's very possible that by the year 2015, we may actually begin to seen the numbers flip flop, maybe reaching 11 out of every 10, or even 12 out of every 9, we simply can't let this happen" says Senator John Kerry, "this can all be traced backed to the irresponsible policies of the Bush administration and how he has constantly lied to the American people".

Of course, there are two sides to every story and where some people see doom and gloom, others see opportunity. Leading commercial marketing groups are trying to find new and innovative ways to tap into this every growing percentage of the population.

"We're still trying to digest this information and determine exactly what it means. The one thing we are sure of is that 75% of the entire population is huge! If we can tap into that market with a more focused advertising campaign, well, the sky's the limit!" theorizes Craig Williams, president of Williams Marketing in Wasconga, Montana.

"Whether you view the numbers as an impending crisis or a boon of opportunity, we're not likely to see much of a reversal, at least not in the near term." Says Tuddel, "we were really hoping to see something more along the lines of maybe 70%, we could better deal with that, but unfortunately, the math couldn't support it. Quite simply, 3 out of 4 doesn't lie, it's clearly 75%"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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