Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 3 December 2011

image for Herman Cain's Wife Urges Him to Run - for His Life

Atlanta - Beleaguered presidential hopeful Herman Cain returned to his suburban Georgia home to ask his wife the loaded question: "Should I continue to run even though they're saying that I cheated on you, honey?"

Gloria Cain responded with a loaded shotgun, which she pointed at the candidate's manly region, declaring: "You'd better start running right now or you're going to be short one ballot to stuff in the box."

Herman Cain barely made it out of the house, as a warning shot was fired over his head.

"This is a demonstration of my commitment to a woman's right to bear firearms," he told reporters, who had gathered around the Cain residence. "As you can see, I practice what I preach, no matter how dangerous it might get."

The reporters pressed Cain on the question of whether or not he would remain in the presidential race, given his wife's hostility to the situation. "It's either that or going back to making pizza, and for the life of me I can't remember the recipe."

The candidate suddenly changed the subject, announcing that his next book would be a murder mystery, "set right here in suburban Atlanta."

"Its main character is a soft-hearted businessman who likes to help out big-breasted women, but his wife is a -- Can I say the B word?"

At that point, the impromptu press conference was cut short by additional warning shots from Mrs. Cain's pump action Remington.

Asked how many rounds his wife's shotgun held, Cain replied "9! 9! 9!" as he alternated between ducking and continuing his run for the presidential nomination.

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