After 23 false starts, 24 failed drafts and "more than a bucketful of mini dubya tantrums", President Bush finally THREW up his hands, phoned Jay Leno and asked the late night comedienne if HE could create and perform his State of the Union Address Tuesday. Sources say that Leno and his team of writers accepted the challenge and are now noses to the grindstone PERFECTING President Bush's State of The Union Address to be performed BY Leno on Tuesday night's Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Initial drafts written by the president include promises to bring troops HOME from Iraq while simultaneously vowing to send MORE troops OVER to Iraq.
"I got confluxuated I guess. I just could NOT seem get the whole speech thing to gel" Bush told reporters saying,
"After that 24th draft me and Barney just gave the plum up. That's when I remembered that Jay Leno used to write speeches for folks like Nixon and President Ford so, I had Condi give Jay a ring."
Leno, speaking with reporters said,
"THIS one's going to be a total riot folks. I suggest you don't miss TIVO'ing it. Here, listen to what we've got so far .."
LENO -> So. Did you READ about the latest unemployment figures? They DO have newspapers in those homeless shelters you folks are in right? NO? (ha ha) .. er, boy, tough crowd tonight. OK OK .. how about THIS one .. President Bush's approval numbers are SO low ..
AUDIENCE -> How LOW are they?!
LENO -> (smile) The President's approval numbers are SO low that if Karl Rove can get them to RISE a couple of dozen points Bush'll be right up there with Scott Peterson, Adolph Hitler AND Jar Jar Binks is this thing ON? (rim shot)
(courtesy of Tonight Show drummer Marvin 'SMITTY' Smith)
White House officials are expressing 'concerns' about Leno's speech so far but President Bush says that he's open to taking a few jibs and a few jabs as long as Leno convinces the American people that he (Bush not Leno) is just a good old boy, "never meaning no harm" with loads of goodies 'n tax cuts 'n government cheese right there in the Crawford Texas BARN just waiting EVERYONE, even his non-Texan fellow non-Texas Americans to come, partake of "there-with".
BUSH -> If that's a word. I was home back then in the 40's, sick with the croup that day teacher covered practiciples and adj-tives and stuff.
NBC categorically promises that Leno's warm-up act, Ashley Simpson will not, repeat NOT lip-sync the words to the Star-Spangled Banner and hillbilly dance around like Jed and Granny Clampet on rheumatis-medicine prior to President Bush's State of the Union Speech .. written and performed by Jay Leno and the Tonight Show Band.