The White House reports that President Obama has "up and converted to evangelism" in preparation for a possible run against Herman Cain in 2012, apparently not realizing Cain had already bitten the proverbial political dust.
Citing Harold Camping's second failure in a row to predict the end of the world, Obama pledged to get the freaking job done. "After what just happened to Osama and Moammar, how dare you doubt that I'm a damned deadly doom-dealing dude. ARE YOU READY FOR APOCALYPSE??!!" he asked in a new Monday Night football intro that creeped out just about everybody.
This conversion is expected to gain Obama a significant portion of the evangelical vote, and many GOP insiders still fear that the new and improved Obama 2.0 just might be able to slay the Zombie Cain at the polls.
Reanimating the freshly dead corpse of a campaign, while proclaiming a "6-6-6" plan to counter the currently undead Cain's "9-9-9" taxation structure, Obama laughed manically, turning his head completely around 180 degrees to face the cameras. "It's your fault you're poor, and it'll be your fault when you're dead!" Obama said in an unholy voice at a hastily assembled press conference just before projectile vomiting green pea-soap on Speaker John Boehner as he was walking by.
"What the hell was that? That's kind of harsh, Dude!" groaned Boehner, wiping the gastrointestinal rhetoric from his clothes.
"Sorry, but lunch isn't agreeing with me any more you," snorted Obama, wiping his mouth on Vice President Biden's coat.
A review of Obama's proposed 2012 budget reveals the president is allocating $500 billion to fund, "Armageddon and other related activities". While declaring spending restraint as the "First Horseman" of his economic policy, it appears the President is actually funneling millions from other programs such as Social Security and Medicare into a slush fund with the primary focus of global destruction and a hastening of The Apocalypse.
"It is a budget that is biased as well as reckless and we'll spend money only on programs that work to bring about the End of the World," Obama said Wednesday during a forum on legal reform. Obama fielded one question regarding solar energy funding, replying that a nuclear dust cloud would blot out the sun for many months, so the point of such research would be moot.
Most insiders don't consider the President's spiritual flip-flop any more bat-shit crazy than any of the other weird news we've heard coming out of Washington recently. But upon closer scrutiny, it has been learned that for every dollar the president would save by program consolidation and getting the hell out of Iraq, many more dollars would be consumed by the expanding cost of big-ticket initiatives such as waging nuclear war and insuring short-term nuclear survival by a select few. This concerns some advocates of Social Security who fear Obama has no real intention of balancing the budget and insuring Social Security stays solvent. "It's apparent that Obama doesn't plan on there being a need for Social Security past 2013 or 2014 at the latest," observed one unidentified analyst. "He's got a point."
The news came as a shock to some lawmakers. "The president has presented this latest budget using flawed premises. His budget only accounts for a prolonged nuclear conflict with Iran extending into the fiscal year 2012, with no mention of North Korea," said one Congressman who declined to be identified. To back up his claim that his budget is the leanest since the Hoover administration, Obama says he has targeted hundreds federal programs and employees for elimination or deep cuts. Among those are retirement benefits for all armed services, highway funds, farm subsidies and food stamps. "What good are farm subsidies and retirement benefits after the Rapture?" Obama asked, chuckling softly. When the revoking of tax-breaks for churches was mentioned, he replied simply, "No more spiritual entitlements, either."
Obama claims to have been consulting with God personally on the details of the 2012 budget ever since He quit talking to Harold Camping, and assures the public that The Plan is indeed "infallible". Kim Jong-Il of North Korea publicly spat upon Obama's allusions of divinity but applauded his decision to drag the world into a nuclear confrontation, pronouncing Obama, "a madman we can deal with." The Zombie of Gadhafi had no immediate comment other than a few guttural noises. Probably a wise decision since being beaten senseless and shot in the head when he greeted rebels a few weeks ago with,'What's up, my brothers?'".
Obama's newly found fervor coupled with an attack on Pakistan and a recently revealed assassination plot against the Saudi ambassador has further deteriorated U.S./Iranian/Pakistani/To-Be-Announced relations, and it is the President's religious conversion that has Iran/Everybody-Else the most concerned. Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Some-Body-Al-Somebody promised to attack Turkey "just to accessorize the region" if attacked, but would consider a moratorium on effigy burning if the U.S. just called the whole Crusade thing off. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could not be reached for comment. When a spokesperson for the Horsemen was asked why the Apocalypse Alert Level was not elevated as widely anticipated, the apparition laughed and remarked, "In the end, we figure the Republicans just screw him out of this, too".
Herman Cain, still stinging from accusations that his "9-9-9? plan was lifted from The Sims, now considers those the Good Ole Days. But, he still struck back at Obama's proposed budget. "It's clear that Obama is bluffing, blatantly ripping off Cleavon Little in "Blazing Saddles"…holding a gun to the head of his own Jobs Bill and threatening, 'Anybody move and the budget gets it!' ", cackled Cain, idly groping the statue of a semi-nude female in a public park. Michelle Bachmann added, "It's twue, it's twue," when asked by reporters if Obama is just running a con on the evangelicals. Newt Gingrich was largely noncommittal but did remark, "He's just crazy enough to do it." Sarah Palin, downgraded to "irrelevant" status, wasn't even asked for a comment but gave one anyway singing, "I'm...so...tired, tired of playing the game, but hey, anyone got a VP slot?"
Obama cast off Cain and crew's criticism as mere rhetoric after he finally figured out Cain was existentially extinct anyway. Choosing cynicism instead of his characeristic cinematic simile, he vowed to defeat Cain in 2012 or destroy the world trying. And alluding obliquely to Cain's continuing troubles, Obama waxed poetically, "I've got your black walnuts right here, Pokemon!"