Republican Presidential Candidate, Newt Gingrich, has decided to show his passion and empathy to the American people by forcing an investigation on his lecherous relative Jerry Odious who is more commonly known as The Grinch.
"The Grinch who resides on Wisconsin's Rib Mountain overlooking the town of Whoville is not what stories make him out to be", stated Newt Gingrich. "This guy is nothing more than a slum landlord who has trapped the innocent and naïve people of Whoville into virtual slave labor".
"He is from the shady side of our family who changed their names because they not only refused to drink gin but, also, bastardized our name by making the rich into a rinch, which is like a really bad rich person. What people don't understand is that the Whos are an ancient race of Stuffing Miners who had lived in isolation in a valley underneath Rib Mountain for centuries. The Grinch stumbled upon them while prospecting around Rib Mountain for Pet Rocks, which were pretty valuable back at that time".
"To make a long story short, The Grinch managed to gain ownership of the stuffing mines as well as all of Whoville which gave him a stuffing monopoly. His actions were so devious that the Whos from Whoville are now entirely indebted to The Grinch who now has them work in the stuffing mines from dusk until dawn. The work is say strenuous that by the end of the day they are to exhausted and tired to say Boo Hoo, even poor little Cindy-Lou-Who, who The Grinch is constantly giving the shoe".
Newt Gingrich is not the only person interested in the goings on at Rib Mountain and Whoville. There have been reports of intermarriage among the Whos who it appears should have been concerned about just which Who was marrying who.
Honestly, just look at the little fucks. They all have profusely oversized upper jaws, enormous eyes, scrawny legs, big feet and a thin tuft of hair on the top of their head and two tufts on either side as well as having no ears. They all look like they've spent their lives living in a Uranium mine. Hell, they could all be British Royalty for all we know.
The Who men are men that you definitely don't want your daughter to marry, although, your daughter might have second thoughts seeing how big their feet are.
As of press time, the FBI was in the process of beginning an investigation and maybe gaining insight on the true size of The Grinch's heart.