Written by Hugh Dunne
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Friday, 25 November 2011

image for The True Spirit of Christmas: Pepper Spray!

The annual War on Christmas has already taken its toll this year, with atheist billboards going up next to highways across the country, shocking the sensibilities of Christians on their way to Wal-Mart. But some Christians have found a way to fight back: pepper spray!

A woman in California used pepper spray to gain a "competitive advantage" in a Black Friday shopping frenzy, police report. Elsewhere, police themselves have used pepper spray on shoppers and even cheerleaders, but not yet on those annoying Salvation Army bell ringers, unfortunately.

Today, conservative pundits are lauding the California woman who took the initiative in making sure her kids would have a X-Box under the Christmas tree. "Take that, godless god-haters!" cried a gleeful Ann Coulter, while George Will intoned, "It's long overdue that patriotic Americans fought back against those who seek to remove all trace of God from the public square."

"This woman is a true American hero," said Bill O'Reilly. "We've seen how effective pepper spray is against those dirty hippies at U.C. Davis. Every shopper should carry a cannister of pepper spray and be prepared to use it to defend capitalism at their local big box store."

With peace and capsaicin towards all men, this is your latest dispatch from the front lines of the war on Christmas. Stay tuned!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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