Washington, DC - Americans are betting that they can select a better president by chance than by choice. The presidential elections, which were scheduled for next November, have been replaced by the nation's first Presidential Lottery.
The new rules are simple. "Voters" can buy as many Presidential Lottery tickets as they can afford. Then on "Election Day." a random drawing will be conducted, with the holder of the winning ticket named President of the United States.
"We were all set to hold elections as usual, until we saw who was running," said Roger Flanter, Chancellor of the Electoral College. "The candidates all seem to have memory disorders and learning issues. They shouldn't be in the White House; they belong at the bad end of a Dr. Phil segment."
The idea of gambling to select the next president ironically came from the financial sector, which bet big on the housing bubble and left the middle class to clean up the mess after it burst.
"Those Wall Street boys really know how to rig a game," Flanter said. "They work better than loaded dice on a tilted craps table."
Flanter is making sure his group comes out on top by charging a dollar for each presidential election lottery ticket. "The big corporations, labor unions and other special interests are going to want to buy millions, if not billions of tickets," he said. "Meanwhile, we're going to avoid all the expenses connected with conducting an actual national election. You can take that chad and shove it. "
The changes are reflected in a new name for the US Board of Elections, which is now called the US Bored with Elections. The oversight panel also has a new slogan: "The Presidential Lottery: All you need is a dollar and an unreasonable demand."
To publicize the new system, the Electoral College is soliciting testimonial endorsements from citizens in all parts of America. Here's a sampling of the initial results:
-- Mrs. Flory Butterfield in Waco, Texas says she's going to take Air Force One on a four-year global excursion if she wins the presidency. "I'll be like Bill Clinton," she said, "but without the cigar."
-- Billitt Zacher of Columbus, Ohio plans to reinstate the death penalty on the federal level. "I have a few scores I need to settle," he said.
-- An L. Blankfein, who works in the busy canyons of lower Manhattan, would "putter around the White House, perhaps fixing little odds and ends. Then I'd order up a massive nuclear missile strike. I want to try out as many ways to destroy a country as I can."
Tickets for the Presidential Lottery go on sale next month. The winner will be notified by mail, if the U.S. Postal Service lasts that long.