Written by Asheville Jack
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Tuesday, 22 November 2011

image for Newt Gingrich - "I've Finally Cornered the Market in Turkey Heads"

Deluthions, GA. - Fresh off His six percent increase in the national poll numbers, Newt Gingrich giddily announced today that He has achieved His life long dream of cornering the turkey head market.

"Ever since I was sixteen years old I've had two dreams," said Gingrich. "The first was to save Western civilization. The second was to capture the turkey head market."

Gingrich said that despite the downturn in the economy most Americans can still afford a Thanksgiving turkey, even if they do have to pay for it on credit.

Noting that while one out of seven Americans will go to bed hungry this Thanksgiving, Gingrich said six out of seven was good enough for him. That means, said Gingrich, that tens of millions of turkeys will still be beheaded this year and that He will own most of them.

"I've lobbied for years, I've written dozens of books and hundreds of apologies to ex-girlfriends, but nothing gives me as much satisfaction as knowing that I have more turkey heads than anyone else in the world. And next year, when I'm elected President, I'll realize my dream of switching our monetary system over to turkey heads. And that, good friends, will bring to fruition my childhood dream, a dream that my little schoolmates said could never happen, of saving Western civilization from itself. Today turkey heads - tomorrow the world"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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