Washington,D.C.-In a last ditch attempt to revive the faltering economic recovery, President Obama traded "the entire gross national product of the United States for one year", to the Chinese for a handful of "magic beans".
The deal, finalized last spring, came to light during testimony by incoming Commerce Secretary Montgomery (Monty) Hall, at his confirmation hearing before congress last month.
Under intense questioning by Republicans seeking an explanation for the sudden disappearance of the gross national product, Mr Hall admitted that he knew about the project which up until then had only been a rumor.
"Apparently there was this secret deal that the president made with the Chinese, the fruits of which have yet to materialize." He said to the stunned silence of the committee. "It involved the procurement of enhanced legumes in exchange for certain economic considerations."
Further testimony included how the president met with a Chinese Ambassador, obtained the beans with the promise that they would bring "riches beyond measure.", and subsequently planted them in his wife's White House Victory Garden.
White House sources confirm that Michelle Obama was furious with her husband when she discovered the plot, calling him, "a foolish, foolish man!". Her anger grew when the beans failed to even sprout.
Throughout the summer, secret operations, including the delivery of a special compost blend from an Obama supporter's facility in Iowa, and the application of a "Magic Formula" provided by the Chinese, were performed by the Department of Agriculture and the Park Service.
Efforts were complicated by an unusually hot and dry stretch of weather during the months of July and August. "We tried everything." explained Hank Kimball,the point person on the project at the DOA." That compost from Iowa was the best money could buy, and the Chinese swore on a stack of Bibles that that "Magic Formula" was just what was needed to ensure success."
This week, President Obama stood dejectedly in the forlorn corner of his wife's garden where he originally planted the beans.The ground parched and devoid of life. With his head hung low, he kicked a clod of dirt and admitted: "There is no magic formula. There are no magic beans that you can toss in the ground and suddenly a bunch of money grows on trees.". The president then turned and ran towards the White house yelling over his shoulder, "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!".