HARFOLD, Vt.--In a study released today by Harfold State College, researchers found that the things for which college students are thankful this holiday season depend greatly on gender.
Of all women interviewed, 72.3% are thankful for their family. They feel especially close to parents and grandparents during the holidays mostly due to memories of times shared as young people.
Conversely, 79.8% of all men interviewed named "free Internet porn" as their number one reason to be thankful during the holidays. The speed of streaming video contributed to their thankfulness.
The second most common answer among women at 21.3% was "friends." Especially those students living far from home, at least seven miles and at the most 23 miles away, see their friends as a great source of strength, without whose help and support making it from Monday to Friday would be a living hell.
On the other side of the gender divide, 15.1% of all males stated that the second most important reason to be thankful was the fact that "those guys down at Al's Gas and Snack are never assholes about carding for liquor on a Thursday night".
Finally, 4.9% of women regard their pets they left with their parents as sort of a reason to be thankful. Although not quite as cute and cuddly as they once were, especially since the pets had become blind and developed open sores, there was still some ghostly resemblance to those animals they couldn't live without just last year.
Rounding out the men's side, 5.1% agreed that the holidays gave them a nice break from school where all they do is listen to women blather on about their "boring ass" family, friends, and dying pets.