HAWAII - During today's press conference, President Barack Obama admitted that he spent the better part of this past Veteran's Day visiting with recovering video game addicts at John Hopkins Internet Recovery Center in Baltimore, Maryland.
"As an American, I have nothing but everlasting respect and undying gratitude for the men and women who've responded to our nation's call and opted to serve on our behalves in any branch of the United States military," Obama said. "And, when I can't honor those, then I'm happy to honor the fallen from 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.'
"Simply put, I cannot thank these youngsters, these shut-ins, and these social misfits enough," he stated. "They're well on their way to putting this great nation back on top in the online gaming community, and you couldn't ask for more dedicated patriots to serve in our time of need."
Jimmy Deevers of Eagle River, Wisconsin, spent the better part of the seventh grade masturbating to Victoria's Secret catalogues until his grandmother gave him a Nintendo Wii for thirteenth birthday. He saved his lunch money and purchased 'Call of Duty 3' a month later.
"The game absolutely changed his life," Gladys Deevers, his mom, remarked. "It used to be that he'd come up out of the basement to check the mail for catalogues or my latest Cosmopolitan magazine. But since he found that game, we never see him. We had no choice but to put him in rehab at John Hopkins, and look where that got him? A face-to-face with the President of the United States! You tell me that America isn't the greatest country on Earth!"
Kevin 'Thumbless Joe' Koslowski of Deadbrook, Tennessee, doesn't have as rosy a history as he'd like to have with his Xbox gaming system. His addiction to online gaming with 'World of Warcraft' and eventually 'Star Trek' cost him his first two marriages, but it wasn't until he discovered 'Call of Duty' that he was inevitably separated from his four children and the thumb of his right hand.
"By the time 'Call of Duty 3' came around," he said, "the doctors had to clip my left thumb off at the first knuckle in order to separate me from the machine. John Hopkins has helped me find focus again, and meeting the President is really like the icing on a very bitter, very painful cake."
Obama has no plans to visit the real veterans of real wars any time soon, but he has asked for his press office to speak to various civic groups on behalf of these fictional warriors in hopes to bridge the gap which divides them.
"There's no need for the barriers that continue to divide these disparate groups," Obama claimed. "Whether you're serving the stars and stripes or whether you're serving the forces of commerce that drive our digital age across new frontiers and new terrains, we're all Americans. We all deserve to be treated equally."