AUSTIN (AP) - Ever been so mad that you just felt like KILLING SOMEBODY? Anybody? Well, now you can .. legally in the State of Texas as long as you have "just cause". Last week Texas passed a law legalizing murder and basically striking down God's 5th commandment, "Thou shalt not kill". Governor Rick Perry defended the new legislation saying,
"It's really a win win situation for Texas. We will first of all reduce prison overpopulation and secondly revive our sagging funeral business."
Statistics do show that Texas ranks 48th in the nation in terms of revenue derived from funeral homes, cemeteries and Hallmark e-sympathy e-card e-sales. If Governor Perry's plan works out, Texas's graveyards will be "plum FULL of " dead folks and Texas's overcrowded prisons will once again become places that felons can indeed call "home" without having to share tiny, cramped 12 by 16 foot cell with 6 other felons fighting over the top bunk or the bottom punk.
The only "catch" is, you MUST have "just cause" before slaying someone. Fortunately "just cause" can range anywhere from
"The idiot CAB DRIVER wouldn't speak English to me!" (BANG!)
"I asked for extra CHEESE on this !*%%!@! WHOPPER!" ( BANG!)
'"Look officer you put YOUR hands up!" (BANG!)
"Gun sales will increase too" some say. No longer will Texans have to tolerate outrageous lines at the Post Office or put up with snooty checkout clerks who ring up the frozen peas twice or a landlord who WILL NOT STOP pestering you about last month's rent. The solution, thx to the State of Texas will simply be, (BANG!).
The only two main restrictions in the law are,
1) You cannot waste more than ONE annoying celebrity or corrupt politician in any given month and
2) You cannot murder a cheating spouse or significant other.
Governor Perry explained that second restriction saying,
"If we allowed that, pretty soon the only people left alive in Texas would be me and my wonderful wife, Pamela. Everyone else .. cheats from what I hear. Sorry Mr President but there's things about Laura you've not quite heard around the White House water cooler."
FOX network has already announced a new reality show entitled,
"Last One Breathing".
The show, hosted by O.J. Simpson will lock 4 hard-line Republicans and 4 bleeding heart liberals inside a Dallas Mansion. Each week at least one housemate will be brutally murdered by another housemate. The only restriction being, you cannot get caught on camera wasting a fellow housemate or your murder will be forfeited, you'll lose all your points and will be ceremonially BOOTED out of the Mansion.
Texas kindly compiled the following handy faq ..
Q: I'm a waitress. Can I blow away a customer if his tip isn't quite right?
A: If, in YOUR judgment the tip is "not quite right", knock yourself out. Try and not use your employer's cutlery though. You'll get taxed.
Q: Jehovah's Witnesses. How about Jehovah's Witnesses. Can I slay them?
A: That is between you and your God, NOT between you and the State of Texas.
Q: Can I drown cute little puppies?
A: Absolutely NOT! Unless of course they're one of those annoying little weenie dogs in which case ..
Q: My nagging ex-wife ..
A: Fire at will..
Unconfirmed sources say that Florida is considering legalizing drug trafficking,
Nevada .. prostitution
the State of New York .. bank robbery, extortion, money laundering, kidnapping, rape, child molestation, puppy slaughter, Bush bashing, shop-lifting, mass murder, jaywalking, forgery, snuff films, car bombing, insider trading, coveting, adultery, bearing false witness, etc, etc, etc, etc