Washington, DC - America's growing use of social media is transforming the population of the United States into "a gang of pinko, socialist subversives," according to a study by a leading conservative think tank.
In a comprehensive three-page report, the research and advocacy group Always Right called for the immediate shutdown of Facebook, Twitter and dozens of lesser-known social media organizations "to protect and preserve the nation."
"Social media are filling the minds of the American citizenry with some dangerous ideas," said Aloysius Waddinghand, the executive director of Always Right.
"They're tweeting an end to our God-given freedoms. Their Facebook profile pictures are the image of Satan on earth. And their Google+ posts… Oops, my mistake, nobody uses Google+."
The study found that 82% of those surveyed would rather update their Facebook status than eat apple pie. However, that figure dropped to 78% when à la mode was added.
"Putting tweeting over eating is an insult to American motherhood," Waddinghand charged. "It's not easy shopping for the pie, making sure it doesn't get crushed by that gallon of milk and running it through the microwave. Those sparks are scary."
Several more general questions were asked by the study to determine the level of "socialist tendencies" that exist in America today. Some findings:
-- 76% of those surveyed said they know all the words to Kumbaya.
-- 42% believe that Karl Marx is the "one who doesn't talk."
-- 62% are okay with the fact that American astronauts return from their Soyuz spaceflights "speaking fluent Russian, comrade."
-- 24% collect "Social(ist) Security."
The survey asked participants if posting to Facebook made them more likely to express themselves and to put forth new ideas. 87% responded affirmatively.
"I realize this was supposed to be an anonymous study," said Waddinghand. "But these people are dangerous. We need to track down that 87% and do a little rebooting to their behinds."