Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

In another shocking turn of events promising to further mess up the primary field, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has come forward with allegations that Republican frontrunner and former Godfather's Pizza czar, Herman Cain, sexually harassed him.

"I've been living with this fear since the conclusion of the last televised Republican debate," Romney stated from the podium at his most recent campaign stop outside the Iowa City Pizza Hut. "Only the courage of these four - now five - women who have come forward with similar allegations of inappropriate touching and other conduct has given me the conviction to speak out.

"I can only hope," he continued, "that should I secure the Republican nomination for the Presidency of the United States and should I prevail in the general election to take the highest elected office of the land, these women would continue to serve as such exemplary role models. I'll need to continue drawing on their courage when I'm needing the further convictions of meeting with such heads of state as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Chinese leader Hu Jintao, and long-time Russian heavy Vladimir Putin."

Romney alleges that the inappropriate behavior took place immediately following the debate held on September 7th, 2011, at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California.

"After the conclusion of the affair," Romney states, "Mr. Cain had pulled me aside. He extended his hand to me in what I thought was a customary gesture of congratulations for my performance. Little did I know that, once I took his hand, he tried to forcibly place my palm on the bottom cusp of his exposed genitals. How or why his genitals came to be exposed I do not know."

Romney explained that Cain then demanded to know, should he prevail and win the general election, whether or not the former governor wanted to serve in his Cabinet.

"I told him categorically that I would be happy to consider any opportunity to serve this great land of ours," Romney insists, "but that this - groping his soft, pulsing, pleasantly rounded testicles - was not what I wanted. He then said something about 'punk bitch' and that he had noticed how I'd been looking at him. I quickly signalled my security detail and left the library."

Asked whether or not Cain's current rise to popularity had anything to do with his now coming forward with the unwitnessed confrontation, Romney declares his innocence.

"Cain's sexual politics are bad for this country," Romney says. "That kind of thing might play well in Detroit, but it has absolutely no business in the progressive state of California."

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