Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

image for Bazaar Behavior: US Plans the World's Biggest Yard Sale in Iraq

Baghdad - Iraq's capital city has never seen a shopping bazaar like this. As the US military starts to withdraw from Iraq, it's organizing the world's largest yard sale to liquidate its surplus of equipment and supplies in the Middle East.

Col. Christopher "Champ" Pleason of the U.S. Army provided a tour of one of the countless warehouses where the goods are being stored.

"Usually we throw this junk in the dumpster on our way out," he explained "But we understand that Uncle Sam is a little short on cash back home. So we're going to put this stuff out there and see what we can get for it."

Pleason, who is in charge of the sell-off in his role as quartermaster, believes that food will be a top seller at the event. For starters, 27,011 cases of frozen Hot Pockets will be available.

"Jim Gaffigan dropped them off last year during his USO tour," the Colonel said. "We're throwing in 155 Porta Potties to whoever buys them."

Some more sensitive items are also up for grabs. Pleason pointed to 15 Weapons of Mass Destruction Detection Kits that were stacked in the corner of the warehouse.

"This is a fun item. Each kit contains a magnifying glass, fingerprint dusting powder, a directive from Dick Cheney, and a hat just like the one Inspector Clouseau wears."

Loot captured from the Iraqi regime will also be part of the auction, including Saddam Hussein's Magic Eight Ball.

"This was the brains behind his operation," Pleason said. "A lot of people foolishly believe that Tariq Aziz was his top advisor. But the Eight Ball told me, 'That's very doubtful.' "

Historical memorabilia is also on the for-sale list. Pearson pointed to the large 'Mission Accomplished' banner, hanging from the warehouse's ceiling.

"That's right, this is the sign from the aircraft carrier on which George W. made that victory speech," he said. "We don't expect to get much for it though. It's full of bullet holes."

Occupying most of the warehouse were cases containing 11 million rounds of blank ammunition.

"Oh yeah, Bush had us switch to blanks after he did that mission accomplished thing. He was afraid we'd start a war or something."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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