Jackson - In a rare and unprecedented show of moxie, Mississippi voters turned back a referendum establishing life at acquaintance, as well as denying all forms of contraception except abstinence, solitary confinement, jerkin the gherkin and spousal punishment.
Speaking to the media after the final tally was completed, relieved Governor Haley Barbour said "Thank the Lord the prescient voters of Mississippi rejected this hastily formulated referendum. While I reluctantly supported elements in the mandate, especially the part prohibiting spousal denial of intercourse and fellatio, I felt there were many facets that were not adequately considered.
"Many of our constituents felt the provision outlining and prohibiting contraception after introduction to a person of the opposite sex over the age of consent (age twelve in Mississippi) was, pardon the expression, premature... can I use that word?
"Our elected officials would have preferred the Colorado based holy roller organization, Personhood USA, work with our legislature to promulgate a measure that would have been more thoughtfully crafted and at least established a more practical threshold than the establishment of conception at acquaintance.
"Most Mississippians would have accepted a benchmark of the second date. Also, the draconian component of foreclosing all state sperm banks was deemed to be an unacceptable intrusion by big gov'ment and would have added thousands to our unemployment rolls. We have a whole lotta depositors in Mississippi, with over four hundred branches. I was not seeking a bailout for these banks; I just objected to more excessive big gov'ment reg'lation.
When asked by this reporter whether Gov. Barbour expects to see similar legislation coming out of the Statehouse in the near future, Barbour replied, "Your damn right. Marsha hasn't serviced me in three years and I'm gonna make damn well sure that provision is put into law." (Marsha is a reference to Barbour's spouse, the former Marsha Dickson).
Barbour went on to relate that a large swath of his constituents was not happy by the last minute radio and TV ads run by condom manufacturers.
While perfectly content with the broad multimedia campaign supported by Fisher-Price, Kimberly Clark and the MOB (Mississippi Obstetricians for Babies) in favor of the proposal, he said, "We resent the purveyors of lascivious and reckless behavior - those despicable deep diving suit makers - them "nodding sock" manufacturers...coming into our state and tryin' to influence and pervert our good pre-schoolers."