SCOTTSDALE - Herman Cain reached out to the Nation this afternoon in an effort to put behind him allegations that he put his hand up Sharon Bialek's skirt while attempting to go where no man had ever gone before.
Saying unequivocably that Ms. Bialek was not only a "pinch mouthed lying prude," she was a "stupid Polack" for insinuating that he would intentionally put his hand somewhere that could very possibly have no there, there; implying that Bialek's legs might be infinitesimal parallelograms. To put this in layman's terms, her legs may not reach a common destination commonly called a crotch.
Ms. Bialek's attorney, Gloria Allred, when informed by a CNN reporter of what Cain called her client, returned the volley by calling Cain a "discredit to his race and a rat-faced liar."
Cain, upon hearing this, declared that, "if Gloria Allred weren't a Jewish princess, she should be ashamed of herself for trying."
DISCLAIMER: Because the name calling was done under extreme duress, all parties involved reserve the right to call each other liars.