Washington DC - With the stroke of a pen, President Barack Obama has rescued the world from a catastrophic economic meltdown.
The president signed into law today The Quantitative Time Act, effectively freeing every man, woman and child on the planet from any debt that they might have signed-up for over the past three decades.
Better known as the Cover Your Assets Directive, the new law resets the fiscal calendar to 30 years ago so that all banking and investment transactions are back dated to 1981. That means any car loan, mortgage, home equity line or other debt less than 30 years old has already been paid in full in the real-time world of 2011.
"This is like daylight savings time on steroids," Obama explained. "The Quantitative Time Act means there are no more toxic loans out there, Greece can go back to being Greece, Trump can go back to being a douche, and the banking and investment gangs can move on to new scams and frauds."
The wizards of Wall Street, who rarely pass up an opportunity to demonstrate their capacity for being long on greed and short on brains, agreed.
"This is better than a 'do over,' " said a spokesman for a major investment firm. "This is a 'never happened.' Now we're free to go out and make the same expensive mistakes all over again, and get away with it all over again. I smell big bonuses for everyone on the street."
And there will be no one to complain. The debt clock reversal essentially ends protests over the unfair distribution of wealth in America. "Most of those protesters hadn't even been born yet in 1981," Obama said. "So by turning back the clock, we are invalidating their birth certificates. Ironic, ain't it?"
The president had no trouble getting the law past the Republican controlled House of Representatives. "The Republicans are always nostalgic about the Reagan era," Obama said. "Well, happy new year. 1981 is here again, only this time, I'm in charge."