A confidential source within the Central Intelligence Agency has revealed that a new generation of Predator Drones is set to be deployed. While not officially confirmed, the new remote-controlled killing machines will reportedly be used within the United States, and President Obama is rumored to have donated his Nobel Peace Prize to be used in the construction of the prototype.
"Yeah" said our confidential source "the president had his Nobel Peace Prize mounted on the nose of the prototype, sort of like a hood ornament on a car. Subsequent models had a replica installed. It's just symbolic, it doesn't actually enhance the performance or killing potential of the drones, and it's doubtful the assassination targets will ever actually see the Peace Prize before being blown to bits by a Hellfire Missile… but on a strafing run, it's possible!"
We asked the source, who is a remote pilot for the drone program, if the new killing machines would be deployed within the United States. "Well, I can't comment on that." He said. "Let's just say the border patrol and the big city metro police are soon to be getting a much needed helping hand."
The agent became animated when asked about the enhanced capabilities of the new model. Existing predator drone offensive capabilities are classified, but they are reported to sport dual hellfire missile pylons, a range of up to 700 miles and/or 24 hours of flight time, and advanced electronic command and sensing equipment. The new models, claimed our source, are vastly improved and lovingly nicknamed 'O Bombers' by the remote control operators.
"Oh yeah, these O Bombers are sweet! Flight time, speed, number and explosive power of the missiles, all upgraded big time--but the electronics--whew, you wouldn't believe it! We got sensors that can detect and target the unborn baby inside a woman's womb, in an underground bomb shelter! And we've developed an algorithm that can predict within 98% accuracy if that unborn baby is destined to become a terrorist; needless to say, that's going to put one hell of a dent into the operational capabilities of Al Qaida, when we start proactively acting on that intelligence!"
We expressed our shock and outrage that the US government would use Predator Drones and missiles to assassinate unborn babies.
"Sheesh! Don't be such a pussy!" He sneered. "We're talking about future terrorists here! Don't worry so much, it'll be phased in…baby steps…like we did with the regular killings; you know, started with a kill list before actually assassinating foreign nationals, then working up to US citizens and then US minors.
First, we'll kill some terrorist here at home. Then, we'll take out a few unborn foreign nationals, and when everyone stays silent on all that, we do the unborn future terrorists of US mothers living overseas, finally working up to proactive predator abortions on US citizens here at home.
Plus, we won't necessarily use missiles for that…we have laser beams that can take out the future terrorist and leave the mother alive-limit the collateral damage. Not that we worry about the life of the mother of a future terrorist; but after we laser-beam her fetus, we figure we can scare some of them into confidential informants."