Written by Alvin Taveras
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Topics: Herman Cain

Thursday, 3 November 2011

image for Third Herman Cain Accuser Willing To Talk For Girl Scout Cookies

VIRGINIA - At a campaign stop at Alexandria, Virginia, where people are simply happy to eat their Thomas Jefferson Liberty popsicles and be on their merry way, reporters swarmed Herman Cain and pelted him with questions about accuser number three's accusation of sleeping with the 'Pee-Wee.'

Things got so testy that at one point bodyguards of the candidate had to push reporters and lift Herman Cain away from the mayhem just so he could enter his decked out Sports Utility Vehicle code named, 'the real McCain.'

Setting a new campaign record, three seconds passed before the GOP presidential candidate interrupted the reporters' questions, slamming them for not addressing him as 'President Godfather' and for sheepishly believing the sexual harassment allegations purported by the first two women.

"Read my lips. I did not sexually harass two former employees while I was 'Prez' of National Restaurant Association. I was merely resting both my hands palms up on the seats these ladies decided to rest their keister on."

Cain was then asked to comment about the statements he made at his last campaign stop, where he promised the entire press corps a lifetime supply of Godfather Pizza including cheesy bread if they would stop covering the scandal allegations.

"I can't recall if I made that statement forty-seven minutes ago, but that doesn't mean I didn't say it," Cain retorts.

As soon as he asked the reporters if they heard clearly this time, one reporter asked him about the third accuser and whether or not he's comfortable with her only asking for girl scout cookies in return for her story.

Cain whipped out his good luck pizza slicer pendant he keeps around his neck and violently waved it at the reporter who pressed him for an answer before Cain exclaimed, "What part of no don't some people understand?! I can throw pepperoni slices like ninja stars, back off!!"

Campaign manager Mark Block, smoking the same cigarette he held during his Cain Train commercial premiere, told us that the only person who is being sexually assaulted is the American economy.

"The economy is a person with feelings and does not deserve our lack of attention to these other miniscule affairs. Besides, Pee-Wee's bribe was more than generous," adds Block.

In related news, the reporter who was closest to Cain when he waved the pizza slicer is pressing charges for personal distress.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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