Written by ParkyBill
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Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Elkridge, MD -- Joining the parade of women popping up from all corners of the nation to accuse Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harassment is Maryland's own Irma Squat of Elkridge.

In a World Nutz Daily exclusive, the 43-year old unmarried chainsmoker said she wants Cain's "ass throwed in jail."

The basis of her complaint, she said, is that when she tries to masturbate to mental images of Vincent D'nofrio (former star of "Law and Order, Criminal Intent") Cain ends up replacing D'nofrio in her fantasies.

"It's a nightmare," Squat said. "I lie there with one arm behind my head and my other hand down -- you know -- and I get this really sexy image of Bobby (D'nofrio's character's name on the show) comin' to interview me about a murder I witnessed and I tells him that I ain't talkin' and he says he has ways to make me talk and then, next thing, I'm handcuffed to a metal table and Bobby has yanked off my sweatpants and he's down there with his face doin' -- you know -- and I moan and I groan and I'm just about there when all of a sudden I notices there's somethin' different about the whole thing. In my fantasy, I open my eyes and it ain't Bobby no more. It's that goddamn Herman Cain. He looks up and me, smiles, says 'Niggerhead' and then goes back to what he was doin, only he starts usin' a pepperoni and that's when I snaps out of it and start screaming."

Squat said this happens "three, sometimes four times a day," ever since she saw that political ad with Herman Cain taking eight seconds to smile.

Squat is seeking "a million billion dollars" in punitive damages, and hopes publication of this story will help her find a lawyer willing to take her case, an effort at which she has been, so far, unsuccessful.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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