SACREMENTO -- Sallie Ploss isn't an FBI agent, or a linguistics expert, but her preternatural gift helped foil a terrorist plot last month to blow up California's State Petunia Garden near the state's capitol building. According to local authorities, and the state's Homeland Security Department, Ploss was glancing over the new spring varieties when she overheard a couple of would-be terrorists discussing their plan to send those precious petals sky high.
The problem is that these attempted felons were of Middle East origin, and were discussing their scheme in Arabic.
Ploss? "I'm definitely not no Arab, and I don't know a lick of that Muslim language! You see, my folks were from the hills of West Virginia. I moved out here with my husband who was lookin' for work."
We asked her about her special knack of understanding foreign languages. "Oh, that! That"s easy! Back home, at the Blue Mountain Pentecostal Church, when the Holy Ghost would come over me, I would interpret when they would speak in tongues . . . but only when the Lord wanted me to. Sometimes, the tongues would sound like the Mexicans and some times it would sound like that French those Cajuns down in Louisiana talk, but, most of the time, it would be in that Heavenly language -- the one you really never hear 'round here in the big city."
Attorney for the defendants, who wish to remain anonymous until proper charges are filed, states that the two young men were discussing soccer when the woman started screaming at them, but state Homeland Security officials are convinced of the Ploss' gift and sincerity.
"Who can argue with God?" stated Wilbur Stamps, head of that department in Sacramento, and former head of Republicans Awaiting the Rapture. "Sallie and I shared a prayer after their arrest, and she even interpreted a little when I started speaking in tongues myself."
Mr. Stamps continued explaining his point, countering criticism from the local Muslim community who've complained that it is racist to assume that all Muslims are terrorists. "The real question they should be asking is, why would those terrorists be interested in the State Petunia Garden? I think the lack of that question explains everything."
Sallie continued. "It was a big surprise for me, though, when all this happened. I ain't never heard that Arab tongue before. Ain't God big?"