Written by Lyndon
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Monday, 31 October 2011

image for Herman Cain responds to sexual harassment allegations in...German?
According to inside sources, as a younger man, Cain could never say, "Nein!" to a cheerleader.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Herman Cain's campaign for the Republican nomination is all over but for the crying.

Web-based news sources confronted Cain about sexual harassment suits from the 1990s. After a long pause, Cain reverted to German, a tactic some pundits find even more concerning than the allegations themselves.

"Nein, nein, nein!" Cain hollered at reporters shortly before an interview with Meet the Press.

Before slipping in through the doors at NBC studios, he called out, "Ich bin ein Berliner," further illustrating what experts are calling "near native" fluency.

It is unclear at which juncture in Cain's education he would've studied German. Morehouse College, where Cain earned a bachelor's degree in 1967, has never offered German. While Cain earned a master's degree in computer science at Purdue in 1971, there's no indication that he ever studied the language there either.

Said one Washington insider, "I think this shows that Cain isn't like most presidential candidates. Yes, he was accused of harassment at some point, but show us a candidate who hasn't been or doesn't have some sex tape. But how many Americans are fluent in two languages?

"And Spanish doesn't count."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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