In an unprecedented move to insure that all potential life is protected, legislation has been introduced in twenty-six states to make male masturbation a crime.
In a press conference this morning a spokesman declared, "All life is sacred and all potential life is sacred. To this end, we must take every action to protect it in any way that we can. Therefore, we are making male masturbation a crime in a majority of the states, punishable by six months in prison or one year in a re-hab center specializing in a hands on approach to: Christian living in a Modern World. You can check with Marcus Bachmann on this one."
A reporter called out: "Is this crime listed as a felony and will a man be labeled a criminal for the rest of his life!?"
Spokesman: "No, we are not a vindictive people and it will not be a felony. It will be labeled a….misdeweiner."