Written by Lyndon
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Saturday, 29 October 2011

image for Vast majority of dieters wrongly blame hormonal changes for weight re-gain, study
To the question, "If you found this on the bathroom floor, would you kneel down and eat it?" all participants said, "Yes!"

HARFOLD, Vt.--Some 80% of dieters regain the weight they've lost within a year. According to a study released earlier this week by Harfold State College, some 99.9% of those dieters blame hormonal changes for the return of flab.

Coincidently, the study found that 99.9% of dieters were wrong to blame their hormones.

"The vast majority of the vast majority," said HSC Professor Paul Josephs, "simply sit back down at the table and eat like there's no tomorrow."

The vast majority, however, don't hold the professor's findings in high regard. Forty-nine of the 50 participants in the study responded negatively when asked if they had returned to a lifestyle of face stuffing, binging, and endless snacking.

"My body is just predisposed weight-gain," said Sammy Pineau as he polished off a bowl of apple cobbler submerged in cookies 'n cream ice cream. "The food just sticks to my ribs more than it does other people. It's not my fault."

The one study participant, or the vast minority, who agreed with Professor Josephs weighed in on the debate.

Said Bobbi DeMayne, 23, "I have a lover and his name is Chocolate."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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