Written by alassandra2000
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Topics: Health, Smoking, tobacco

Friday, 28 October 2011

image for Surgeon General Demands Disclosure From Tobacco Companies
This is what a cigarette box looks like

The Surgeon General has demanded that tobacco companies must now place all of the ingredients that are put in cigarettes onto the individual boxes that the cigarettes come in.

This comes after pressure from the US Firefighters Association, when it was discovered that the fire accelerant chemicals in cigarettes were being traced to a large number of fires nationwide, caused by the cigarettes with the accelerant in them.

This new requirement has really inconvenienced the tobacco companies.
For one thing, because the ingredients amount to around three hundred carcinogenic compounds, (and thus making smoking cigarettes akin to standing in the middle of a burning chemical factory and breathing deeply), a small pamphlet is now being placed on the boxes, that can be peeled off in order to read them.

This information has caused rioting in the streets, as people have now become aware of the fact that there are ingredients in the cigarettes that are dangerous to their health, (e.g., arsenic).

"I always wondered why my cigarettes made me feel so icky, and now I know," said one long time smoker, "they never should have told me about this. Now I am stuck because I can't possibly live without them, but now I know how bad they are for me, and it's causing me a great deal of unnecessary inner conflict. I am very angry that the tobacco companies have done made these changes. They should have left things the way they were, which was perfectly fine, if you ask me."

A spokesman for the tobacco industry has come forward with an apology to all its customers, "we are very sorry to see how unhappy this information has made our customers, but our hands were tied. We were quite literally forced into this situation by this new 'disclosure' legislation, which we, of course, fought for as long as we could. For any of customers that are interested, we are now offering a new line of products called 'nicotine patches', and there is also a 'nicotine gum', which this legislation does not cover, so there will be no ingredients listed on these. We are hopeful that this will help satisfy our customers and eliminate some of the difficulties that they are now facing because of this."

In order to prevent anything like this from happening in the future, the tobacco companies are now cracking down on the federal government for imposing these new, and unfair, rules on them.

"We intend to do everything we can to keep anything like this from happening, every again," the spokesman for the tobacco companies said.

There have been no difficulties for people who either don't know how to read or else don't have IQs high enough to understand what any of the big words on the boxes mean.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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