Written by J.D.Greene
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Topics: Washington, School

Sunday, 15 January 2006

image for Alito Hearing Degenerates into School Yard Brawl
Senator Kennedy Blows His Top At Alito Hearings

Washington D.C. -- The Senate Judicial Committee presiding over Judge Samuel Alito's confirmation looked more like a 2nd grade playground than a serious deliberative body as Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) and Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa) got into a major tiff reminiscent of the Paris Hilton/Zeta Graff spat shortly before the committee broke for lunch. The heated exchange took place after Judge Alito was asked to define the difference between precedence and ‘super-duper precedence.'

It all started when Senator Ted Kennedy demanded that the committee subpoena documents that proved that Judge Alito was once a member of Princeton's branch of the K.K.K. a charge that Alito denied vehemently by saying "I have no recollection of ever being a member of that group."

Senator Arlen Specter took umbrage to Kennedy's accusations saying: "I take umbrage!"

To which Kennedy replied. "What's a matter Specter, chicken?"

But the fireworks really began when Senator Kennedy dared the committee chairman to subpoena the documents which could prove that Alito was a racist-sexist-pig, to which Specter said: "I double dare you to make me." But Kennedy not to be outdone then came back with the triple-dog-dare-to-infinity threat at which point Specter was forced to call a quick break in order to regain his composure and try to find a way out of the triple dog dare that Kennedy had issued.

"I am the team captain here, and I will decide what the rules are!" Specter wailed shortly before dropping the hammer on the session.

Kennedy, however, was not content to take a break to discuss the issue. After heaving his 300 pound bulk from his chair he paused to catch his breath before lunging at the 76 year-old Senator. Before anyone knew it a circle was formed with cries of "Fight, fight, fight" echoing through out the chamber.

When the two senators were finally separated Senator Kennedy shouted: "I'll get you Specter, this will be your Chappaquiddick!" Alluding to the infamous drowning incident in 1969, which permanently ended Kennedy's dream of ever becoming more that just a senate blowhard.

After returning from the lunch break Senator Specter ruled that Senator Kennedy would be forced to attend the rest of the hearing with his nose stuck in a small circle that had been drawn on the wall of the senate chamber.

"I had hoped for a digitized…dignified confirmation hearing for my nominee Judge Alito." Said President Bush from the steps of Air Force One after hearing about the brawl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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