Seattle (AP) What do you call a guy who sleeps in a cardboard box, panhandles at the stadium, collects cans and other debris, pisses and shits on lawns, eats road kill, exposes himself to families at the library, assaults handicapped people, steals from churches, and drinks wine with a straw?
The next President of the United States- if early indicators are accurate.
Charlie Morrison, 40 year old resident of Seattle's parks, was recruited through a Google search when it became obvious that Obama could not win re-election.
"Obama's approval ratings hadn't passed 2% in weeks so we knew we had to find another candidate," said incontinent Debbie Wasserman-Shultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee. "We initially used the search words fairness, integrity, honesty, ethics, and education, but the only name that came up was Jesus Christ".
According to the incontinent Wasserman-Schultz, when shit, piss, cardboard, lewd, lascivious, wine and lilac were entered, there were 6500 hits for Charlie Morrison".
The incontinent added, "This painstaking approach paid off in a big way. All surveys show that Charlie will get the democratic nod, and he should handily defeat any republican".
Morrison, who has chosen a life that is unencumbered by mortgage , rent, or car payments, travels from one part of Seattle to another where he collects cans and other litter. His portable home, a six by eight cardboard box, is perfectly suited for a transient lifestyle in the great outdoors.
EPA Chief, Lisa Jackson, had this to say. "He goes beyond collecting cans, important as that is in reducing industrial waste and his consumption of carrion has its benefits too, but it's his insistence on relieving himself outside that will yield the most benefits for our environment". She added, "A piece of fecal matter the size of a marble can sustain forty lilac trees for two years. If every person did his business outside, the use of artificial chemicals would decrease dramatically and the greenhouse effect would disappear".
When asked whether the EPA would endorse Morrison, Jackson said it was too soon to make an official announcement, "I told the incontinent head of the DNC that she'd be the first to know".
Morrison's meteoric rise to fame is especially notable given the fact that he has been arrested dozens of times for lewd and lascivious behavior and 23 times for assault. I asked talk show host and political commentator, Chris Matthews, if the arrests could have added to Morrison's appeal?
He replied, "IS HILLARY CLINTON A SKANKY BIPOLAR WHO HATES KITTENS? Of course the arrests have added to his appeal. Here's a guy who has discovered his sensitive side but is willing to carve someone up with a ten-inch blade, if needed". He added, "You gotta hand it to the incontinent Jewish lady. She picked a guy who is just like all democrats, their Everyman if you will.
On Obama's Campaign, Matthews had this to say, "It's over for Obama. His campaign manager is inept. Obama's early life in Kenya should have been showcased, but it wasn't. They could have posted some cute shots of him running naked through the bush".