Written by jd Balderdash
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Saturday, 14 January 2006

image for Bill O'Reilly Punches John Kerry Good and Solid, charges filed
O'Reilly being hauled off

BOSTON - Bill O'Reilly, host of FOX's The O'Reilly Factor "lost his temper" yesterday after Senator John Kerry pointed out that O'Reilly himself was a "2 bit low-life pimp", words which O'Reilly apparently did-not-like resulting in 2 lightening uppercuts to the jaw of Senator Kerry and jail-time for Bill O'Reilly. O'Reilly, currently out on $20,000 bond was, according to both Drudge AND The Smoking Gun officially charged with "assault and battery of Teresa Heinz's husband" meaning it's got to be true otherwise Drudge would not have certified it.

Senator Kerry, in stable condition at Boston Memorial hospital forgives O'Reilly for assaulting him saying,

"I knew he was a powder keg before I went on the show. My remarks about him being a 2 bit low-life pimp were, though true, inappropriate in front of a live television audience comprised of .. nothing but O'Reilly viewers. Nurse? A little more Morphine here. United States Senator speaking, hello?"

Bill O'Reilly, known for being a bit "high strung" has in the past never physically assaulted a guest on his show except for the time that he threw a glass of water in Jay Leno's face for jokingly calling O'Reilly a "closet Homo locked in the closet without a key".

"I was just joking" Leno later told reporters, "Next thing I know there's ICE water all over my face. I've nothing against gays or straights, I was just trying to make a joke which O'Reilly for SOME reason .. "

"I'm not the bad guy folks make me out to be" O'Reilly told reporters. He went on to add,

"Idiot folks just come on the show sometimes and rile me is all, especially those Democrat-type idiot folks. I have nothing against John Kerry but I am NOT a pimp and my viewers KNOW that. I'm sorry for striking Senator Kerry but my talking point today is, you DON'T come on someone else's talk show and call them a 2 bit low-life PIMP without consequences resulting in physical and/or bodily harm that's all I'm saying in today's Talking Point."

Teresa Heinz Kerry says that she has decided that her husband will not file formal assault charges against O'Reilly but if it happens again she will forbid John from ever appearing on the O'Reilly factor again.

John Kerry, from his hospital bed, a bit groggy after O'Reilly's 2 lightening uppercuts agreed with his wife saying, "Terry hon? How about Larry King? Can I go on Larry?"

Inside sources say that Mrs Heinz Kerry replied,

"We'll see John. We'll see."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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