Written by Buck Turtle
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Friday, 13 January 2006

image for Halliburton Hits Hard Times - Cheney Down On His Luck
Vice President/Galaxian Dictator Dick Cheney

Vice President/Galaxian Dictator Dick Cheney today announced that due to "Godless communist lies" and "weak liberal thinking" that his trans-galactic empire Halliburton is being forced to actually BID on contracts - not have them blindly awarded.

"This crisis in modern business thinking is clearly and easily blamed on the pansy media; those liberal dope-smoking crybabies who insist on some concept I've never heard of known as "Accountability"" his Highness snarled during his latest 3,000 mile tune-up.

"Damn, these bionic body parts sure beat the real thing" his 47-person strong surgical team mused aloud in the intensive care ward of the downtown Washington D.C. Valvoline. "These are the finest body parts tax money can buy!"

"The American public better get comfortable with the idea of an Imperial leader, now that good old 9th Century Draconian Human Rights are being reinstated" Cheney laughed as 2 quarts of Iraqi Gold came squirting out of his Artificial Heart.

"The taxpaying American public also oughta know that their money is being stolen and horded by myself and my army of scumbag toadies; the finest corrupt bunch of Republicans money and sheer soulless greed can attract. SNARL HISS GROWL - Oh I'm sorry, that's just a side-effect of these wonderful glowing blue pills my tax-subsidized personal East Coast surgical team decided to give me - where was I? Oh yes - all of you commie bastards can go to hell. We're hiring for Hurricane Katrina cleanup - you too can join - SNARL HISS - boy, these pills sure make me feel funny..."

Halliburton's Minister of Propaganda has dutifully filled in for the ailing Overlord Cheney, announcing that they are hiring for twelve cents an hour, but only if you can't speak English. All English speaking candidates will be shot and their ruined torsos used in lieu of sandbags to shore up the decimated levies from that pinko commie storm.

"That's good solid Christian business thinking at its best!" beamed President Huckleberry Hound when interrupted from his universe-saving duties of clearing brush, riding his bicycle and gutting the U.S. Constitution. "Gawsh, I bet mah Daddy's real proud o' me naw! Hyuck!"

His Eminence Cheney was last seen wandering the halls of the White House wearing a gasoline-soaked overcoat, muttering to himself "There's nothing like lying and cheating, there's nothing like lying and cheating...SNARL!!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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