WASHINGTON, D.C. - The last time that the United States Postal System was in such a financial mess Paul Revere was riding through the streets of Pocatello, Idaho shouting that the redcoats were coming and that you could not miss them because they were wearing bright red coats.
Also in a little village in Naugatuck, Connecticut, a Hunkpapa Lakota Sioux warrior looked out his teepee and asked the tribe's medicine man what the hell that stupid bull was doing sitting on the campfire. And thus a little papoose who would grow up to one day become the great executive chief Sitting Bull was named.
But those historical days have given way to modern times when people are asking that ever-so-mind-stimulating question, "Paper of plastic?"
The American people are also asking, "Who the hell is Jon Huntsman?" and some are even asking "My goodness gracious does Donald Trump not have a mirror?"
Vonda Beth Spoonovich, 57, who is a spokesperson for the United States Post Office stated that the Postal System recently conducted an extensive three-week, $7.3 million research study to find out what can be done to increase the pitifully low revenue that the national Postal Service is bringing in.
After personally pouring over 60 research study questionnaires, Ms. Spoonovich, who recently was granted a divorce on grounds of alienation of affection, has determined that there is one way that the Post Office Department can definitely generate more revenue.
The hope is of course to find a way to keep from shutting down 4,800 post offices nationwide and having to lay off 980,000 postal workers, plus having to sell off thousands of stamp machines, mail trucks, and post office counters.
Spoonovich stated that the research survey showed that people are tired of the same old kinds of postage stamps depicting presidents, inventors, old airplanes, old cars, and old birds, fish, and insects.
So effective December 1, 2011, in an all out attempt to stimulate sagging postage stamp sales the Post Office Department will be making available to adults over the age of 25, brand new lickable postage stamps featuring nude pictures of Kim Kardashian, Shakira, Scarlett Johansson, and Beyonce.
When Ms. Spoonovich was asked why the age limit was set at 25, she stated because the research survey brought out the fact that males under the age of 25 do not purchase postage stamps and if they do it's only one or two and that's maybe once or twice a year.
SIDENOTE: According to the contract that is currently being drawn up the four celebrities will each be paid a one time fee of $500,000 for the right to use their photos. Kim said she wanted $500,001, but she was quickly told to stop playing games.