Written by Alvin Taveras
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Sunday, 16 October 2011

image for Cellphone Kidnapper Still Loose on Foot

PHILADELPHIA - Police are looking for a man whose been running the streets snatching people's smartphones and stealing them while left unattended. Victims of the crime have pleaded for people to help catch the guy 'wearing a big jacket with the German alphabet letters on the back of it.'

One victim, Sara Jenkins, told us that her smartphone carries more value than her car. "I would pay the amount my used car is worth in exchange for the phone."

Although many of the smartphones missing have a global positioning system in them, police have been unable to follow it because GPS signals are lost easily on shoddy 3G networks. This led police to believe it was an AT&T phone.

Residents all around the city are taking extra measures to guard their phones. Some people even wear a strap that loops around their hand comparing it to a tiger's grip.

Mayor Michael Nutter chimed in on the crime, after his smartphone was stolen, and said, "We can tolerate our sports teams creating a legacy of losing but we will not tolerate cellphone snatchers."

Even corporations have had to seek the best way forward regarding smartphones in the workplace. Studies have shown repeatedly that people are already attached to their smartphones, how much more when they realize the value of it when it's gone.

In other related news, a 90 year old woman was ticketed for driving and texting for four blocks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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