Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Halloween

Saturday, 15 October 2011

image for DC Haunted House Infested with Democrats and Republicans shut down! Way too F*cking Scary!
I need to get myself a new razor!

A DC haunted house that was set up for Halloween amusement by a rare joint venture by both the Democrats and Republicans was shut down before the first night even ended!

The venue of the haunted house, as well as all information pertaining to it, has since been classified by the US government. All people involved in the venture have been thoroughly debriefed in order to keep the information out of the hands of life insurance salesmen.

From what has been gathered from a handful of paying participants that had escaped the debriefing and remain anonymous (at least for now) is the following account:

At the door of the haunted house one is met by Vice President Joseph Biden draped with a string less electric guitar, sporting a Bon Jovi wig and holding up a six pack of Budweiser who greets everyone by saying:

"HEEEEYYYYY EVERYBODY!!!! It's your good old Uncle Joey here. Hell man! Let's blow this place and go egg the White House. Don't worry about me getting shot, I mean, geez, I'm the god damned Vice President, I don't have to do anything but stay alive. The Secret Service isn't going to kill me now are they? You on the other hand? Ahh c'mon, let's have some fun, I have 100 eggs in a basket here".

Once past Joe Biden you find yourself entering a living room where sitting in a chair donned in a hooded black cloak and holding a large scythe is Ohio Republican, Joe Boehner who is crying and blubbering:

"I'm the Grim Weeper! I'm the Grim Weeper! Please don't call me the Grim Reaper, because that is not what I am. How was I supposed to know that I dressed the same as him. Just call me the Grim Weeper! Oh, baahhhhh!!!!"

Past the weeping Boehner at the end of the living room is a staircase that leads to the second story. At the top of the stair case one is met by the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke wearing a rice paddy coolie hat, a black robe and a pair of wooden sandals. He, also, has a Fu Manchu mustache that twitches on the right side every few seconds. He talks to you in a bastardized Chinese-English accent.

"Ahh, how we tonight? Ahh, you look a scared! Ahhh, very scared! You should be scared. We really fucked here in America. That is why I have become Chinese. I go China and make lots of money in rice paddy. You get stuck here and have to buy new Apple I-Pods that will really suck because Steve Jobs dead! But you will buy them anyway. You really fucked now, because all job money go China! You see! HA HA HA HA! You see!"

There was talk about a room just beyond Bernanke in which Al Gore, who was dressed as himself, sat next to a stand which held a chart that was illegible. He said he only wanted a minute of your time, but you really had no choice but to listen to Al because the door would shut and bolt behind you once inside the room. Apparently, after spending a good half an hour talking about his chart, he would lift it up and say he is done and throw it into a burning fireplace. But, low and behold as soon as the chart started burning, another chart appeared in its place on the stand. It is rumored that people who went into Al Gore's room never came back out again.

There are much more horrors than the ones mentioned above but, none of the surviving non-debriefed participants were willing to talk about them.

What is really interesting is the actual reason that the haunted house was shut down so soon during its inaugural night. It was not that the participants were scared near to death it was that the Democrats and Republicans who put the venture together were scared near to death. Upon leaving the house, all participants were met by pollsters who asked who they would vote for in the upcoming election. Every single participant gave the exact same answer:

"The Tea Party".

Now that is fucking scary.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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