A local man, who smokes too much, frequently drinks himself into oblivion, or at the very least so that he can't talk properly, today related that he is having the time of his life on honeymoon with his gay partner.
Martin Shuttlecock, of Shuttlecock Mansions, Titchfield, who apparently thinks he's some kind of multi-media megastar, after having some of his drivel published in the otherwise quite excellent 'The Dorking Review' coffee table book, and having received at least six views of his drunken, and frequently incoherent, YouTube ramblings, married perfectionist Thespian, Stew Potts at Portsmouth wedding chapel, moving on to a high spirited reception at the Mucky Duck in Southsea, before retreating for the night to a B&B operated by a dodgy bloke wearing a wig and an eye patch.
"It's dead good is this," Shuttlecock told reporters. "I didn't even know I was gay until last Tuesday - when I was controversially 'outed' by TMX, and now I'm married to a wonderful caring Thespian, who dotes on me every word. Even when I'm falling over the sofa, pissed as a newt. To be honest, I'm too drunk to know what the hell it's all about, but I do love a Thespian in a kilt. So I married one. Don't tell the wife, mind, or she'll probably smack me round the head with a bowl of Ricotta and Spinach ravioli in tomato sauce. And that's just for starters..."
Propping his 'bride' up, on the steps of the Southsea B&B, as the dodgy bloke with the wig and the eye patch filmed the scene for posterity on his mobile phone as he lurked behind twitching curtains, Stew Potts announced:
"It's a match made in heaven! We encompass the lot! The whole nine yards! Art, culture, literary endeavour, drama, Thespianism, direction, home runs, touchdowns, quarterback sacks, kilts, bagpipes, rodeo riding and frequent trips to Italy, and of course pantomime - God love Frank Bruno - and then there's my new partner - he's good at getting pissed and making an absolute arse of himself. And smoking roll ups on YouTube - what gay man could possibly resist such comely qualities?"
Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, caught in a traffic jam on Southsea Parade, told reporters:
"I'll give him fucking gay wedding! The daft bastard! Just you wait 'til I get him home! And if that fucking Thespian doesn't give me my fucking kilt back, I'll bite his eyes out!"
Intrigue in Southsea.
In the shadow of the Spinnaker Tower.
More as we get it.