Written by Lyndon
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Sunday, 9 October 2011

image for People with variation of surname 'Peterson' most likely to be murdered, study
Junior Ricky Peterson, on his way to class, upon learning of the results of this shocking study

HARFOLD, Vt.--Harfold State College released a frightening study this week, frightening at least for those Americans named Peterson or Pederson or Pedersen or some variation thereof.

According to the study, Americans with this surname are most likely to meet an untimely death at the hands of demented, jealous, drug-addicted murders.

The 10-year study focused on a handful of high profile cases in which the main characters all shared the same surname, which led researchers to their startling conclusion: the name Pet(d)erson is nothing short of a kiss of death.

The entire body of the study's research is as follows:

In 2001, author and politician Michael Peterson called 9-1-1 to report that his wife had injured herself in a fall. After a long trial that could've taken place in one of his books, Peterson was later convicted of killing her.

In 2002, California resident Laci Peterson was found murdered and later her husband, Scott Peterson, was found guilty of her murder.

In Illinois, Stacy Peterson was found murdered in Illinois, and husband Drew Peterson quickly went from person of interest to murder suspect.

One month ago, Leslie Pedersen was found murdered as part of a crime spree in Everett, Oregon. This week, missing husband David Jones "Red" Pedersen also turned up dead.

Also in September, Brandon Tyrone Peterson of Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina, was found shot in his home.

As Peterson is the 68th most popular surname in the United States, researchers say the Petersons should not trust their spouses; if they do, invest in some extra door locks; and purchase handguns for self-defense.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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