Written by misha marinsky
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Topics: New York, Titanic

Monday, 9 January 2006

NEW YORK - The descendants of the Titanic shipwreck passengers have filed a class-action tort suit, here in New York City. Bringing the suit is the self-proclaimed "King of Torts," Melvin Belli.

Since the discovery and subsequent raising of the ship's bow, engineers of every discipline have been pouring over the original plans, as well as the actual ship's bow, comparing every detail of the plans versus the plans' execution and fabrication of the final product. The engineers hope to have a report prepared shortly, outlining the flaws of the design and of the shoddy manufacturing, which caused the "unsinkable" ship's structure to fail, with a resulting catastrophic loss of life.

The descendants are additionally suing for the trauma of loss of their grandparents' and great-grandparents' love, affection, and gifts of candy, as well as for the trauma their grandparents and great-grandparents suffered as the great ship went down. The plaintiffs are also suing on behalf of a grandparent and/or great-grandparent who survived the shipwreck, but lost a spouse, with the subsequent loss of consortium.

Mr. Belli, speaking on behalf of his team of carefully selected attorneys and engineers said, "We are going to assure the public that the worst disaster in modern shipping history is never again repeated. This was an error compounded by failure of everyone at every level involved. We are doing this to prevent another catastrophe occurring of such Titanic proportions."

When one reporter asked Mr. Belli if the statute of limitations had expired, Mr. Belli replied, "There is no statute of limitations for murder." Mr. Belli also pointed out the American Indian tribes which have gone to court over injustices which may "have occurred one hundred or two hundred years ago, regarding land their ancestors may have occupied." He continued, "This is not uncharted territory."

Mr. Belli said he felt his "chances are better than Las Vegas."

One of the descendants, who asked his name not be used said, "I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this for my great-grandfather, who could not be rescued because he only spoke Swedish. I want him to know I still miss him. If I could speak Swedish, I would go to a medium and tell him all that I am doing on his behalf."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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