GOP Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced today that she has "indisputable proof" that co-candidate Mitch Romney is gay.
"Just look at that hair," she said, "and those teeth. Nobody looks that good unless they're either a movie star or gay, and he's no movie star."
Bachmann also said Romney visited their Minneapolis faith-based clinic in 2006 with some "serious issues."
"Not that we tried to change him," Bachmann said. "We would never do that. We only offer faith-based strategies that challenge people to live their lives in the way God intended. It is up to them whether or not they use the tools we provide to live a good life, or go straight to hell. Being gay is only one aspect of that."
Since records are spotty at best for the clinic, it is impossible to say whether or not Romney ever visited it.
"But," Bachmann said, "consider this: if I'm right-which I am-and he is gay and is elected president, what would he do to the country? Would our flag be the same, or would it now become red, white, blue, orange, purple and mauve? Would the stars be made of glitter? Would we all have to end the Pledge of Allegiance by saying 'FABULOUS!'?"
And Romney's not the only candidate Bachmann's got dirt on.
"Rick Perry is an addict," she said. "It was very clear during his debate with Romney when he couldn't even put a decent sentence together. And what the camera didn't show was that he ended the response by saying 'Dude.'"
"Buddy Roemer," Bachmann continued, "is a serial killer. Ron Paul has three months to live and Rick Santorum still lives with his mother. It's true. It's all true."
If Bachmann were to become the GOP candidate, how would she plan to defeat sitting President Barack Obama?
"Oh, I got dirt on him, too," she said. "A lot of it. He ain't just growing produce in that organic garden of his."