WASILLA, Alaska - It is now officially official, Sarah Palin has announced that she will not be running for the office of the president of the United States in 2012.
"Snowflake" Palin spoke before a group of assembled news reporters on the front deck of her Wasilla home Casa Moscow.
The woman who as recently as May said that she was going to kick Barry Obama's butt all the way back to Chicago, Indiana (sic) made the announcement with daughters Willow and Piper at her side.
When a reporter with Left Coast Mirror Magazine asked her where her husband Todd was she replied that he was in Anchorage fishing for salmon with his longtime fishing guide Nanicka Zapalicka.
The woman with a dozen nicknames was asked if the exposé book by her next door neighbor Jebediah McGillicuddy had any influence on her decision not to run. She replied that it did not.
Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors asked her to be truthful and to stop trying to hide the truth. The "Loose Moose" told Rangoon that she was being truthful and that she knew that no one would believe all of the 213 lies that McGillicuddy had written in his book
Rangoon replied that she had read the book from salacious cover to salacious cover and that she believed 212 of the 213 so called lies. Palin looked quite puzzled.
"Ah so tell me Ling Ling, which lie did you not believe?" a very inquisitive Palin asked.
Rangoon grinned and she corrected Palin by telling her that her name was Ling Chow. She then replied that out of the 213 statements the only one that she did not believe was the one where McGillicuddy had written that (Palin) could stand in the snow and pee farther than most of the males in San Francisco.
Carolina Chipotle with Bedroom Pillow Talk asked "Reindeer Ovaries" Palin why she had decided not to run in 2012. After skirting around the question by saying that Bristol "The Pistol" was doing very well in Maricopa, Arizona, and that Piper had finally learned to tell the difference between Toby Keith and Hank Williams Jr. she finally answered the question.
The woman who Michelle Obama nicknamed "Caribou Hormones" said that the real, honest-to-goodness reason why she decided not to run for president was because she had gotten fed up with the news media constantly asking her geographical questions designed to make her seem like she's some kind of stupid Alaskan local yocal.
Palin added that what the hell does it matter if she really can't tell the difference between North Dakota or North Korea, or that if in her mind Rhode Island is really an island, or that Milwaukee, the beer capital of the world is located in Wisconsin and not in Connecticut?
In a related story. Michele Bachmann upon hearing that Sarah Palin had dropped out of the GOP presidential race replied, "Good, that is damn, friggin, good news. Now if I can just get Ron 'Old As Dirt' Paul, Jon 'Fruit Cup' Huntsman, and Newt 'The Cabbage Patch Doll' Gingrich to quit I should pretty much have third place all sewed up."